Nigel's Personal Journey: The bus journey home

(Please note: This is a real story. My experiences of being bullied on the bus happened and the 'causes' of my inability to stand up to the bullies may well be different to yours or that of your child. Your child does NOT have had to experience exactly what I did as a child. This story explains my thinking and feelings at that time in my life and how I have been able to turn it all around.)

I'm 16 years old. On the bus heading home from school. There is a mix of school children and a handful of adults all doing their own thing. I am preparing myself for what is likely to happen next. I'll be outnumbered as there's normally five or six of them who will file past me once the get onto the bus and throw me looks that could kill and jeers that are aimed at intimidating me. The bus pulls up and there they are standing there.

'They' are a group of school boys who have been bullying me for the past month or so. I haven't been lucky today in finding an adult to sit beside, because then the bullying wouldn't happen so much. Just a bit of name calling and the odd religious slur, but it would eventually end.

No such luck today. Today I am sitting at the window seat and the bullies see that I am alone and so the bullying starts. The name calling, the throwing of paper and whatever other items they can muster. I sit frozen on the spot. Glued to the seat. The shouting and insults from them all intensifies. I feel unable to move or say anything or dare stand up to the bullies. They can see my fear. They know in that moment I am easy prey. The mental and physical torment continues until I get off the bus.

This bullying went on for about 3 months in total before my parents moved to a new town and I got a different bus home. If I had known then what I know now, I would have acted differently towards the bullies, I am sure of that. Read on to understand my mindset at the time and my mindset now.

If you're reading this you'll be wondering why on earth I didn't stand up to the bullies. Why didn't I tell them to stop or get up from my seat and go to the back of the bus and confront them?

The answer is simple. Since as far back as I can remember I always 'perceived' the world as a scary place; a place in which if I was to stand out in any way, draw attention to myself or have the spotlight shone on me, I would be physically attacked, humiliated, embarrassed, judged and rejected. The key here is my PERCEPTION. The lens through which I viewed the world. This perception which created a fear of being physically attacked and hurt in some way determined my thinking well into my adult life. But I didn't know back then, what I know now. With the mindset I have today, the bullies would have seen a different Nigel. They would have experienced a confident and worthy Nigel.

Today, having spent thousands of pounds and completed hundreds of 1:1 sessions with wellbeing practitioners and having attended many workshops and trainings, I realise that with my mindset and limiting beliefs as a child, I didn't stand a chance that day on the bus. I was like one big walking magnet for the bullies. I believed on a deep level that I would be physically attacked, humiliated, embarrassed, judged and rejected if I did anything other than sit and take it. It was the way I was conditioned by my environment growing up and by what was going on in the country at the time.

If I could wave a magic wand and do one thing (as I often do in sessions to this day) it would be to transport my older, wiser self back to that 16 year old me sitting frozen on the bus and have a conversation with him, and it would go something like this......

"Nigel, I am you from the future and I know exactly how you feel and what is going through your mind and body. You are dreading the next cursing remark from the bullies, anticipating the next verbal and physical abuse from them. You are beating yourself up emotionally for not acting or doing something to make it all stop. You feel all eyes are on you from the other bus passengers. Your heart is pounding, your breathing is shallow and hard, your neck and shoulders are stiff as a board and you feel sick in your stomach. I know why you are frozen in this moment."

"In about 30 years time you'll discover a number of practitioners with skills that will set you free from this torment. They will dissolve the hurts and fears and memories of the physical abuse you received as a child growing up. You will hold onto the wisdom from these events but your mind and body will know they are over and you will for the first time in your life calm down, your need to be on constant high alert will no longer be required and your self love, self respect and confidence will sky rocket. In short, you will set yourself free."

"You don't stand a chance against those bullies. Plain and simple. You don't respect yourself. You don't like yourself and certainly don't love yourself! You negatively compare yourself to everyone and believe at a deep level that there is something wrong with you and that you are 'odd.' But I am here to tell you that this is all one big fat lie. From an early age you were conditioned and taught by significant adults in your life, clergy, teachers and the media that the world is a dangerous place and if you want to survive and be looked after, you have to do as you are told. No room for being 'you.' No, you must conform and forget your wishes and desires, put them aside and if you don't do this, then you will be labelled a trouble-maker and will be physically punished."

"The fact is Nigel, you have lived in fear of being physically punished if you step out of line. Physical punishment was dished out to many children to 'keep them in line back in the 60's and 70's.' Corporal punishment they labelled it in schools! So you became a good little boy. Someone who lived in fear of being hurt by the world. You spent all of your waking moments waiting for the attack and so you always looked frightened, walked sheepishly and only spoke when you were spoken to. By not wanting to stand out, you stood out even more by the frown on your face, the concentrated look in your eyes. But you had to be on high alert for fear of getting hurt in some way. And the bullies saw you a mile away and homed in on you and you didn't stand a chance."

"The good news is, I am YOU from the future and today I fear no one. I don't attract bullies because I love myself, like myself, respect myself and know my individual self worth. I am better than no one and no one is better than me. I decide how I want to live my life. I know how I want to feel and if I am challenged in any way by another person, I can weigh it up and have an adult discussion, decide to turn the other cheek and walk away or confront the person, standing my ground and knowing I can articulate my thoughts and feelings without fear of attack."

"As we sit here on the bus Nigel, you are getting bullied because you have zero self respect. You think of yourself as a door mat and let everyone walk all over you. Well I am here to tell you that you will discover that you were at the mercy of your environment while growing up, and whilst everyone was doing the best they knew how, it was a hiding to nothing as they say. But please know that children of your age and younger are now being empowered with new thinking and believing and being given tools and techniques from an early age to dissolve the emotional hurts, enabling them to set themselves free from the pain of bullying and other experiences too."

"If I can give you one last piece of advice for now Nigel, and there will be much more to follow, it is this. Love yourself. respect yourself. And know that you are worth it. All of the things that you want others to give you, such as love, kindness, comfort and safety; give them to yourself first. Then if anyone else gives them to you that is a bonus."

As you are reading this now, today I am not a victim of bullying and trauma. Rather I am a survivor of both. YES I survived a challenging childhood. I am now equipped to heal any remaining traumas from my past and I share these techniques and mindsets with people of all ages around the world. And I can share them with you too so that you can end the emotional and physical pain and set yourself and your child free!